“ One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his temple.” Psalm 27:4

Two years ago, we started a new family tradition, cutting down a real tree. The day after Thanksgiving, we all climbed into a wagon, tramped around the fields looking for the perfect tree. Some were tall and grand, more than my small living room can handle. Others were thin and spindly, a bit too sophisticated for my liking. I was looking for a tree with character, and eventually landed on one. Then my son and son-in-law began the herculean task of cutting down the tree, while I continued to wander amongst the trees with my grandson, breathing in the fragrant scent of pine.

There is something magical about having a real Christmas tree. In no way am I diminishing the beauty of artificial trees, I enjoyed them for twenty-five years. But there is something extraordinary about bringing something living into your home. First, you deck it with lights, ornaments, and tinsel. Then, throughout the season, you tend it by quenching its thirst. It captures your senses with lights, glitter, and the faint scent of the forest. And if you listen carefully, you may even hear crackles as the tree settles in the quiet of the night.

In the last few years, I have become a seeker of beauty, reflecting God’s goodness. It’s as important to me as the time I spend doing my devotions, while holding a cup of caffeine joy each morning. And it’s the direct antithesis of my experience as a child. For years, I have given more weight to the fleeting childhood moments of happiness than to the depravity that I experienced in sordid, threatening whispers and muffled tears. I treated doughnut visits after the library and tickets to the ice capades as glittery highlights to compensate for a multitude of days living a nightmare. I believed that if I held onto those moments, the other darker, more cringe-worthy moments would hold less weight.

But that’s not true. Those darker moments held me down for years, adding to the weight I already carried with shame, joyless living, and lack of confidence. But slowly, I am taking back the darkness by seeking joy, beauty, and whimsy. C.S Lewis uses the German word “sehusucht” for beauty in his The Great Divorce. Ann Voskamp, in One Thousand Gifts, breaks down the meaning as “to long for beauty like a mania.” She goes on to say, “Beauty is all that is glory and God is Beauty, embodied, glory manifested. That is what I crave: I hunger for Beauty. When I cease the beauty hunt, is that why I begin to starve, waste away?”

That’s the paradox of being a seeker of beauty, it lifts you and you feel lighter. But when circumstances, mindsets, or mental illnesses stop you from hunting for lights on a Christmas tree, snow flurries whisking in the air, or bubbles fermenting in your sourdough, you begin to starve, wasting under weights of darkness and despair. And the more I seek, the more I find. I am enraptured by squirrels in my yard searching for food, enchanted by the luminous moon on dark nights flanked by sparkling stars, and take deep breaths soaking in the smell of citrus as I peel my mandarin. And the more beauty I find, the more the disturbing images of my childhood finally take their proper place, behind the grace of God, who is making something beautiful out of a mess He never intended.

A few days ago, I saw a Facebook memory post about the unexpected tragic death of my Uncle Dennis. For many years, Dennis wavered between being a beauty seeker and succumbing to the cloud of depression. As he hunted in the woods, the playfulness of deer and wildlife enchanted him. As he bit into a Macintosh apple, his eyes would be content with the perfect blend of tart and sweetness. But all too often, these would be clouded with the oppressive weight of clinical depression that held him down with anxiety, frustration, and occasional bitterness.

For over fifty years, Dennis struggled with undiagnosed clinical depression. With the encouragement of his wife, he finally sought help. And when this help, in the form of medicine, made a difference, the clouds lifted. He woke up chasing beauty for the rest of his life. He took a trip across the country, startled by the vivid colors of the desert. He planned hunting escapades with his daughter. He danced freely with his wife on the beaches of Florida, and his eyes twinkled continuously. He was joyful!

For two years with medication, Dennis experienced what C.S. Lewis wrote about in the Weight of Glory. Lewis writes, “We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words – to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it.” I, too, have bathed in that beauty. It quieted the noise from my childhood and made life more alive. It has awakened senses dampened by abuse. I see, smell, taste, touch, and hear more, ultimately, experiencing the abundant life that Jesus spoke of. And in the process, I am learning to laugh again!

The next item on my Grown-up Christmas list for myself, along with others, is that we chase beauty, and exemplify “sehusucht.” If you need medicine to help awaken the dullness that depression and anxiety create, do so without shame. If you need to start small, by making lists of things that bring you beauty, do so. If you need to add it to your calendar, do so. It doesn’t have to be costly or take up much time. It’s just pausing to notice the little things in life.

It could be as simple as taking a walk in the brisk cold of winter, hunting for signs of life beneath the surface of leaves or snow. You could take a few minutes to slow down and taste the flavors of the spicy chili that graces your table. Listen to the strings and horns combine to create a feeling of joy while playing your favorite Christmas music. Run your fingers across a soft throw enveloping you like a warm hug. Look in the eyes of someone you love and tell them how much they mean to you. As you speak those words, feel the tenderness of their reception flood your soul. Finally, spend a few minutes thanking God, the creator and embodiment of beauty, for making this troubled world a better place.

My world was dark the night Dennis died. I couldn’t process his death. He was the only man in my childhood who made me feel beautiful and who gave me the hope that someday I might be able to twirl. Yet, shortly after his death, I was asked to give his eulogy. And upon writing those words and asking some other women whose life had been touched by his to record “We love you, Uncle Dennis!”, what was a tragedy slowly echoed the beauty of his life and subsequent impact. And when I saw the video of him dancing in Florida, I knew beauty was covering the darkness I felt, reminding me that God was good!

Chase beauty this Christmas! Hunt for it like the perfect Christmas tree! And watch it change your life!

“Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.” Hebrews 13:16

“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” croons Andy Williams as I am being blitzed with Black Friday ads while trying to read Thanksgiving recipes on my phone. Electronics, sweaters, appliances, and toys will be discounted as shoppers rush to stores or click “add to my cart” the day after Thanksgiving. It’s considered the biggest shopping day of the year, and the ensuing fourth quarter can often make or break a business for the year. For a few years, Black Friday started to encroach on Thanksgiving Day, by having hours on Thursday evening. But the trend seems to be to be changing. Maybe shoppers, dulled by the tryptophan from the turkey, made fewer impulse purchases or maybe the rise of online shopping made opening less profitable. Whatever the reason, more stores seem to be highlighting that they are closed on Thanksgiving, making their business seem less greedy and more family friendly.

Years ago, my husband and I braved a big box toy store for Black Friday. The store was packed like sardines, parents rushing to grab the hottest toy, filling their carts with plastic objects that would eventually end up in landfills. Being on a tight budget, we walked in with the intention of purchasing a few well thought out toys for our children. The line for the checkouts wrapped around the store, and we strategically decided one would wait in line while the other braved the crowds to get the items. By the time I found the toys, my husband had moved up in line a few feet. One hour later, we had our items in a bag as we headed back home. We looked at each other and agreed we would never again participate in that craziness just to save a few dollars.

I recently read a statement from Isabella Rossellini, actor and philanthropist, that struck me. She runs an organic farm and boutique inn, Mama Farm, in New York. She says her slogan is “Make America Small Again!” She emphasizes that by supporting mom-and-pop shops and small businesses, we create places for communities to gather. I would add that they are the heart of a community, selling goods and services curated by someone who cares about the town you live in and is hoping to add beauty to your life.

But like most people, I have gotten into the habit of clicking “purchase” with big businesses. I justify it by saying I’m saving money and/or time. But is that true? I started thinking about the amount of time I spend surfing on my couch for what I think is the perfect gift, and because I have no sense of spatial reasoning, the item arrives often smaller than I anticipated. And as far as saving money, I find myself adding items I don’t need to a cart to reach a certain threshold for free shipping. Also, being cooped up in my home means less community and more isolation.

For these reasons, my husband and I have made it a practice to attempt to support local businesses. In no way are we perfect, we still have packages arriving from big box stores. But when given the opportunity, we try to get out and stroll the streets of Chambersburg and other local communities. We have been delighted to find new bakeries, bookstores, kitchen and home décor stores, and so much more. But what has been even more special is to talk to the business owners and hear their passion, not only for the products they sell, but also for the community they serve!

The Saturday after Thanksgiving has become #ShopSmall, highlighting those small businesses that add beauty to their community. I would like to highlight some of my favorites in Chambersburg. If you start downtown, REmix Design is a great place to pick up a few plants for a living gift. She has an incredible assortment of pots and some great pieces of furniture if you are looking for a new design esthetic. A few doors down, owner Kelly Perry, has captured sunshine in a store with Cheerful Flowers & Gifts. Her shop is full of beautiful candles, lotions, wall hangings, and flowers that immediately delight all the senses. She also has beautiful Bibles, devotion books, and puzzles, and features Rifle Paper Company products. She even has items for little ones that are heirloom quality, I plan to purchase a little stuffed mouse for my granddaughter. During Christmas, she opens the shop next door as a Winter Wonderland, again curating items to boost your holiday spirit. This is not just a store, but a destination!

Further down the street, is Northwood Books, a haven for book lovers. The owner has some new items, but a lot of the books are used. Wandering the aisles, one may find a treasure for a family member or friend, maybe even for yourself. By now, you may need some caffeine to keep you going, so stop by Denim, and get a latte while picking up a bag of locally roasted coffee for the coffee lovers on your list. If you need something sweet, stop by  Brussels Cafe for a crepe or a pastry. Be sure to ask the owner when he plans on making his famous Belgian Hot Chocolate, a rich decadent drink that gives you all the holiday feels. Mark that date on your calendar, it’s something you don’t want to miss!

Further down the street is Black & Blush Boutique, full of clothing, shoes and purses for your dearest friend or sister. You may even find the perfect item for the holiday party you are attending. A few steps away is Willow & Birch, almost a year old, featuring candles, home décor’ and specialty food items for your holiday party. Her items are unique and have similar price points as big box stores. Don’t forget to stop at Lotus Bowls, for a light smoothie bowl or gift cards for those who might want a healthier option after eating decadent food during Christmas. Be sure to peak at the widow display of the legendary Olympia Candy Kitchen. Then step inside, smell the chocolate in the air and pick out an ornament for your tree.

All this shopping has probably made you hungry. If you are looking for a heartier lunch, stop at my all-time favorite restaurant Falafel Shack. The hummus is divine and even self-proclaimed hummus haters are converted. Everything is tantalizing, especially the famous Lamb Kebobs, which are often the day’s special. They even have merchandise featuring their unique logo. I hope to add one of their hats to my collection. If you are looking for authentic, fresh Mexican food, stop at Veroni Cafe, who has just announced that they are moving to larger location at the beginning of the year.

I know these are just a fraction of the small businesses downtown, maybe on your trip you could introduce me to one I have never explored. Regardless, my wish for my Grown-Up Christmas list is that more of us would support small businesses. These owners work hard not because they are hoping to strike it rich, but because they have a dream to offer something unique for their community. They support our festivals and parades. They add diversity to our downtown’s and help foster a sense of community. They are warm and friendly, and by supporting their businesses this Christmas, you are helping to ensure their survival for the next year!

I wish I could include all my favorite businesses in my area, so I am just going to list a few more that are within an hour from my home and some of my favorites in Wisconsin and one in Rhode Island. Be sure to hit the links and check them out.

Chambersburg or within an hour away: Grayce Gardens: House plants, home décor and more, Snavely’s Garden Corner: Full of Christmas trees and ornaments, Kitchen Shoppe: Perfect for the chef on your list, it’s in Carlisle WhistleStop Bookshop: A great independent bookstore in Carlise. Relish Decor: Frederick, Maryland has lots of little shops, but this is my favorite.

Sheboygan Treasures: I miss Christmas in Wisconsin, especially these favorites. Wisconsin Trader: This store celebrates Wisconsin tastefully. Nest: The perfect store where I find something for everyone. Stefano’s Slo-Food Market: This is a foodie destination, where you can find a perfect bottle of olive oil. Relish Kitchen Store: A perfect store for hosting. Olivu 426: Lotions and facial products you can feel good about. Caan’s Floral, Home and Garden: A winter wonderland where I got my favorite gnome.

Tiverton, Rhode Island: I love visiting my grandchildren, but a bonus is when I get a pastry and browse the shops at Groundswell.

“Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” Psalms 37:4

We have a bad habit of not checking our mail. All our bills are sent electronically, and most of the mail we receive is junk mail, other than my Cherry Bombe and Magnolia magazines. After a week or so, Terry walked from the mailboxes quickly dividing the mail into what was garbage and what was good. I saw his pile of recyclable mail and stopped him with a more empathic voice than I intended, “Don’t throw away the Target toy catalog, I want to look at it!” He seemed kind of surprised, and although I justified it by saying it was for my grandchildren, I felt a tingling inside. I wanted to look at the catalog for myself.

The arrival of the toy catalog is my favorite childhood Christmas memory. I poured over the glossy pages, envisioning the toys I wanted. With a red pen, I circled the Barbie Dreamhouse, imagining how I would have fancy furniture and an elevator in my home. I circled the ice block mold, planning to create my own igloo of safety. I marked the dress-up clothes, pretending for a few minutes that I was a princess from a faraway land. I even made a circle around the art supplies, secretly wishing I was an artist creating beautiful, museum-quality pieces. With each circle, I hoped Santa, or my mom would know what I desired. I knew even as my pen hit the shiny paper, I was never going to get everything I wished for, and maybe not get anything I wished for. But just opening the catalog made me feel hopeful. It created an anticipation that anything was possible. And for a few hours with that catalog, I was an ordinary girl without the burdens no child should carry.

The holiday season has officially kicked off. Explosions of Christmas cheer fill the aisles at Target, Chick-fil-A in Chambersburg drips with lights, and Thanksgiving menus are being planned. Andy Williams bellows “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” while Terry and I are deciding which Christmas book we want to read together this year. It is the season where we are often divided between the Grinches and Scrooges on one side, and the Hallmark groupies and Christmas cheerleaders on the other side.

Although I lean towards the side that loves the holiday season, I, too have experienced some Grinch-like feelings during the season. And I know I am not alone. Sometimes I have felt the stress of producing Christmas magic for others. Other times, I have wanted to cram in everything good and I end the holiday season completely worn out. And sometimes, I have lost any motivation to celebrate the holidays. And sometimes these feelings have happened all at the same time, making me feel like a yo-yo.

For the past five years, I have been reevaluating how I do the holidays. Some of it’s been natural transitions as our children are now married with families of their own. Other decisions have helped me streamline the holidays and make them less stressful. The result is not perfect, I still slide into old habits, but overall, I am more at peace. Most importantly, these decisions have been life giving to me and those around me.

Over twenty years ago, Amy Grant recorded the song “My Grown-up Christmas List” written by David Foster. The song talks about how a little person used to believe that dreams came in packages beneath the tree. But as an adult, this person now has different ideas about what he/she wishes for during the season. Ideas like “that wars would never start, and time would heal all hearts, and everyone would have a friend”.  It’s an ideal list set to music that whispers hope and dreams. And every year, despite my tendency to go off tune, when I hear this song in my home without anyone to judge, I belt out the words along with Amy Grant, and it never gets old.

For the next few weeks, I am going to share my grown-up Christmas list. Some of the list will be practical ideas how I have made my holidays more magical and less stressful. I plan on highlighting some local businesses and how they help make the holidays unique and personal. I also hope to address some of the common pitfalls that make relationships challenging during the holiday season. My prayer is that the list will inspire you to find ways to make the holidays more meaningful. So, join me for the next few weeks as I share with you “My Grown-up Christmas List.”

F7C074″Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving:” Colossians 4:2

Recently, I found myself digging in the chest freezer looking for my Indian butter chicken leftovers from a few months ago. After moving frozen pizzas and bags of homemade spaghetti sauce, I found one bag of unidentifiable brown meat of some sort. I opened it, smelling hints of barbecue, and quickly realized it wasn’t the Indian food I was craving. I then found another bag of brown stuff, but it looked like ground beef, likely Sloppy Joes. Finally, after moving more food around, I found one more bag of unidentifiable brown food. Opening it up, I caught the scent of curry and other warming spices. This was the food I was looking for and my search ended!

Often, I freeze some of our leftovers because I haven’t figured out the right portion amount for two people. We have no problem eating leftovers, but sometimes, three consecutive taco meals become overkill. Then I make the decision to plop the leftovers in a freezer bag for a future meal. But I have a bad habit of not labeling the bag, trusting that I will remember what was in it. And it never fails: my memory fades as I place more leftovers in the freezer, and soon I have a pile of unidentified brown blobs.

Labels are important, they help us stay organized. Both my daughter and daughter-in-law love making labels. I, on the other hand, like the idea but lack the ambition to carry it out. I over-rely on my memory and find myself sniffing spices, frozen brown meat, and jams due to my lack of labels. I spend extra time opening totes to look for holiday décor and forget where I put certain things. Labeling would make my life easier, but somehow, I can never find a sharpie (probably due to my lack of organization).

This has been a physically challenging year for me. Due to some insurance issues, I haven’t been able to see my rheumatologist. It’s a long story and I won’t bore you with the details. We are hoping to address this soon to get me back on track. But for most of the year, I have been dealing with inflammation all over my body. This has made it difficult to exercise, sleep, or function daily. Some days opening jars can be challenging, while other days just getting out of bed has been a win. Additionally, symptoms of other minor autoimmune disorders related to my RA have increased as well. And if you add that to menopausal symptoms, including insomnia and night sweats, I feel like I have been a hot mess. I haven’t exercised and have lost a lot of my strength, flexibility, and energy.

I could take you on a deep dive and share with you why I think a lot of these issues are happening in my life. Some of it is just life, but a lot of it is directly related to my childhood trauma. It can be frustrating to live this story despite my efforts to improve my health. What is even more frustrating is living with the consequences of someone else’s actions where I had no control.

Despite all these challenges, I don’t want my trauma health issues to be the label I carry. But like my unidentifiable frozen brown blobs, I have been remiss in labeling the good things happening in my life. This habit of recording things that I have been grateful for has sustained me for over ten years, until this year. Maybe it is because of my health or being just too busy, I got out of the habit of writing down things that bring me joy and that I am thankful for. And looking back, I see this has helped contribute to my feeling of malaise most of the year. My interviews about joy gave me some momentum, but I still neglected to pick up the pen.

Science supports the benefits of daily writing down things you are grateful for. Research indicates that it helps calm down your body by lowering the heart rate and contributes to overall relaxation. Directly related to my RA, studies have shown that it can help reduce the inflammation my body experiences. When expressing gratitude towards others, it helps strengthen our relationships, reducing loneliness and depression. On the same note, if we have experienced someone’s kindness, when we record it, we are more likely to engage in altruistic activities, passing on to others the kindness we have been given.

The actual act of writing is important, it shifts our energy from negative attention to positive attention. And although a person might find it hard to write down a few things at the beginning of this habit, as they continue, they will find it easier to record more positive things. This doesn’t mean things in their lives have changed. But what has changed is their observation skills, they are now looking towards more positive things.

I started this journey of gratefulness after reading the poetic prose of Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts. And because I have gotten sidetracked this past year, I am picking up the book again to reread this November. Ann records how her own journey on writing her gifts daily changed her life. She outlines how “Eucharisteo –thanksgiving—always precedes the miracle” in the Bible. She also states, “Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren’t satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other.”

Despite my health concerns, I have had a good year. Terry and I were blessed to have a great visit to Wisconsin where we reconnected with friends and family. We started the year off with a little getaway and have spent a fair amount of time visiting our favorite little people in Rhode Island. We have found a new rhythm being empty nesters. We have a great Life Group in our church that is helping us to grow. And I could go on. If I had taken the time to record these moments of joy during the year, my malaise would have lifted earlier.

We are having our first frost tonight, and my supple soil will become hard and dry as the temperatures drop. The cosmos that bloomed in my yard will die, leaves turning black from the frigid frost. But my heart doesn’t have to remain this way throughout the winter. If I label my gifts, Ann states, “the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places”, life will grow and prosper. So, I start today labeling gifts, taking the time to refocus my attention. I hope this post encourages you to do so as well!