Unidentifiable Gratitude

F7C074″Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving:” Colossians 4:2

Recently, I found myself digging in the chest freezer looking for my Indian butter chicken leftovers from a few months ago. After moving frozen pizzas and bags of homemade spaghetti sauce, I found one bag of unidentifiable brown meat of some sort. I opened it, smelling hints of barbecue, and quickly realized it wasn’t the Indian food I was craving. I then found another bag of brown stuff, but it looked like ground beef, likely Sloppy Joes. Finally, after moving more food around, I found one more bag of unidentifiable brown food. Opening it up, I caught the scent of curry and other warming spices. This was the food I was looking for and my search ended!

Often, I freeze some of our leftovers because I haven’t figured out the right portion amount for two people. We have no problem eating leftovers, but sometimes, three consecutive taco meals become overkill. Then I make the decision to plop the leftovers in a freezer bag for a future meal. But I have a bad habit of not labeling the bag, trusting that I will remember what was in it. And it never fails: my memory fades as I place more leftovers in the freezer, and soon I have a pile of unidentified brown blobs.

Labels are important, they help us stay organized. Both my daughter and daughter-in-law love making labels. I, on the other hand, like the idea but lack the ambition to carry it out. I over-rely on my memory and find myself sniffing spices, frozen brown meat, and jams due to my lack of labels. I spend extra time opening totes to look for holiday décor and forget where I put certain things. Labeling would make my life easier, but somehow, I can never find a sharpie (probably due to my lack of organization).

This has been a physically challenging year for me. Due to some insurance issues, I haven’t been able to see my rheumatologist. It’s a long story and I won’t bore you with the details. We are hoping to address this soon to get me back on track. But for most of the year, I have been dealing with inflammation all over my body. This has made it difficult to exercise, sleep, or function daily. Some days opening jars can be challenging, while other days just getting out of bed has been a win. Additionally, symptoms of other minor autoimmune disorders related to my RA have increased as well. And if you add that to menopausal symptoms, including insomnia and night sweats, I feel like I have been a hot mess. I haven’t exercised and have lost a lot of my strength, flexibility, and energy.

I could take you on a deep dive and share with you why I think a lot of these issues are happening in my life. Some of it is just life, but a lot of it is directly related to my childhood trauma. It can be frustrating to live this story despite my efforts to improve my health. What is even more frustrating is living with the consequences of someone else’s actions where I had no control.

Despite all these challenges, I don’t want my trauma health issues to be the label I carry. But like my unidentifiable frozen brown blobs, I have been remiss in labeling the good things happening in my life. This habit of recording things that I have been grateful for has sustained me for over ten years, until this year. Maybe it is because of my health or being just too busy, I got out of the habit of writing down things that bring me joy and that I am thankful for. And looking back, I see this has helped contribute to my feeling of malaise most of the year. My interviews about joy gave me some momentum, but I still neglected to pick up the pen.

Science supports the benefits of daily writing down things you are grateful for. Research indicates that it helps calm down your body by lowering the heart rate and contributes to overall relaxation. Directly related to my RA, studies have shown that it can help reduce the inflammation my body experiences. When expressing gratitude towards others, it helps strengthen our relationships, reducing loneliness and depression. On the same note, if we have experienced someone’s kindness, when we record it, we are more likely to engage in altruistic activities, passing on to others the kindness we have been given.

The actual act of writing is important, it shifts our energy from negative attention to positive attention. And although a person might find it hard to write down a few things at the beginning of this habit, as they continue, they will find it easier to record more positive things. This doesn’t mean things in their lives have changed. But what has changed is their observation skills, they are now looking towards more positive things.

I started this journey of gratefulness after reading the poetic prose of Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts. And because I have gotten sidetracked this past year, I am picking up the book again to reread this November. Ann records how her own journey on writing her gifts daily changed her life. She outlines how “Eucharisteo –thanksgiving—always precedes the miracle” in the Bible. She also states, “Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren’t satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other.”

Despite my health concerns, I have had a good year. Terry and I were blessed to have a great visit to Wisconsin where we reconnected with friends and family. We started the year off with a little getaway and have spent a fair amount of time visiting our favorite little people in Rhode Island. We have found a new rhythm being empty nesters. We have a great Life Group in our church that is helping us to grow. And I could go on. If I had taken the time to record these moments of joy during the year, my malaise would have lifted earlier.

We are having our first frost tonight, and my supple soil will become hard and dry as the temperatures drop. The cosmos that bloomed in my yard will die, leaves turning black from the frigid frost. But my heart doesn’t have to remain this way throughout the winter. If I label my gifts, Ann states, “the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places”, life will grow and prosper. So, I start today labeling gifts, taking the time to refocus my attention. I hope this post encourages you to do so as well!