“She is more righteous than I am,” Genesis 38:26

I remember the first time I felt “othered”. I knew from little on I was not the same as my siblings; we didn’t have the same father, and my bone structure and the tone of my skin were disparaged by him. But this feeling of being “othered” was different than my daily experience. It was the last day of second grade, I loved school, and I was excited to read fluently. I don’t remember stealing the candy bar; I just remember the teacher asking me if I had taken an extra birthday treat. I remember denying it and feeling a wave of guilt, but the chocolate smear on my face gave me away. Lifting my desk, she saw the evidence, a crumpled wrapper. She gave me a note to take home. Handing it to my father, he sneered with disgust immediately. Despite normally being an obedient child, he instantly found a way to publicly humiliate me. He told my siblings I was a thief, and for the next two weeks, made me stay inside while the rest played outside. That summer, I wore my first scarlet letter.

Feeling “othered” is a universal feeling among women. Whether or not we are athletic enough, fit societal standards of beauty, or are talented enough in certain areas, at some point in our lives, we don’t feel like we measure up or fit in. Misty Copeland, principal ballerina for the NYC Ballet Company, despite her raw talent, faced scrutiny by critics that she didn’t have the “right look” for a ballerina. Oprah Winfrey was told she needed to lose weight by Joan Rivers. Jamie Lee Curtis was typecast as a horror actress and worked hard to find different roles for herself in Hollywood. The list goes on and on.

There are several Tamars in the Bible. The account of this Tamar takes place in Genesis 38. Judah’s mother, Leah, could never win her husband’s favor, even after the birth of three sons. Finally, after her fourth son was born, she decided to focus on the favor of God, naming her son Judah, which meant “I will praise the Lord.” Judah married a Canaanite woman and gave birth to a son, Er. She also gave birth to two other sons. Later, Judah arranged for Er to marry Tamar. Immediately, the Bible records that “Er was wicked” and the Lord took his life. Some commentaries point out how close this followed his marriage, believing that it might have something to do with how he treated Tamar.

In most of the world at that time, widows were left to fend for themselves. They often had to return to their father’s home and remain single for the rest of their lives. Hebrew law made provisions for the widows and for the lineage of the deceased husband. It involved the widow marrying her deceased husband’s brother. Judah arranged for Tamar to marry his second son, Onan. Displeased with this arrangement, Onan treated Tamar like a prostitute, ensuring she wouldn’t get pregnant. God was disappointed with Onan’s treatment of Tamar and took his life as well.

Judah secretly blamed Tamar for the death of his two sons. He never sought God, who may have led him to the truth about his sons’ wickedness. Instead, he led Tamar to believe that once his third son, Shelah, grew up, he would give Tamar to him in marriage.

So, Tamar, twice widowed, was sent back to her father’s house. I can’t imagine how othered she must have felt. Women her age were married and giving birth to children. Instead, she probably went to the market, with people whispering about how she was either unlucky or evil, causing the death of two husbands. Years went by, and Tamar got to see everyone else’s life flourish, while she sat on the sidelines, watching life pass her by.

Names were important in the Bible, and “Tamar” meant date palm. Date palms symbolize righteousness and vitality. Dates have a lot of nutritional value, including lowering bad cholesterol, being packed with Vitamin B, and helping balance the digestive tract. Because of their high sugar content, they require a lot of energy to grow the 200-300 dates in a season. Thus, they need to grow together and get a lot of water to flourish.

After a while, Tamar realized that Judah had no intention of honoring his word. By this time, she was probably aware of the promises given to Judah’s great-grandfather, that the one true God called this group of people into a covenantal relationship with him. She was tired of being othered and she was desperate to be a part of this Godly heritage. Deciding to take matters into her own hands, Tamar disguised herself as a prostitute, the very thing that Onan had treated her like. She seduced her father-in-law and held his seal as a promise of payment.

Judah later heard that his daughter-in-law was pregnant. In his mind, this confirmed his preconceived notion of Tamar. His immediate response was to have her burned. As they were taking her out to be killed, Tamar let them know that the father of her unborn child was the person who owned the seal she held. Judah recognized it as his own immediately and declared, “that she was more righteous than I.”

The story goes on to say that Tamar gave birth to twins. The midwife saw one of the babies’ hands reach out, and she quickly tied a scarlet thread onto the wrist, declaring this was the firstborn. This was important because he would inherit all the rights of the firstborn. But Perez pushed back his brother and came out first, with his name meaning “breaking out.” Perez’s name was more significant than breaking out first from his mother’s womb. Biblically, he was given the honor of the covenantal lineage, over his older brother Shelah. The Bible doesn’t say why, but Judah hinted at this when he declared Tamar’s righteousness over his own.

Today, women respond in one of two ways when feeling othered. Like Tamar, some women take matters into their own hands to get the outcome they desire or deserve. But it is interesting that Matthew doesn’t tell just Tamar’s story in the lineage. He includes three other women as well. This could point to the other way women can handle feeling othered. Women can collaborate with other women, bind together with supportive men, and change the false narratives of society. I have seen women athletes champion all women across different sports. I see it when writers encourage other women to write and mentor them along the way. I see it in the church when older women mentor younger women to grow in godliness and character.

I want to reiterate that date palms only flourish when well-watered and in community with other date palms. Jesus wants women to flourish well in healthy spiritual communities that support all women: single, married, widowed, or divorced. He created women to have all different personalities: some are bold, while others are quiet. He created women of all different shapes and sizes. He created women to express their creativity in different talents. And all these women should be celebrated and treated like valuable members of the community, not only by other women, but by men as well, especially those who are spiritual leaders.

How does one gauge the healthiness of their community? A good place to start is to ask the women in your circle if they feel “othered.” Only ask this question if you are willing to suspend judgment and exercise curiosity. The answers may surprise you, and you may find yourself challenged to be more supportive of women. Judah quickly saw the folly of his own judgment and declared Tamar’s righteousness without blame-shifting. Next, ask God to help you see women the way Jesus sees women. Finally, start implementing changes in how you speak to and about women in general and work towards creating a more inclusive environment.

In the Christmas story, Matthew ensured for eternity that Tamar would no longer be “othered.” I am forever grateful for that!