By Sherry Collins

“Let marriage be held in honor among all,” Hebrews 13:4

This past week we celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary.  It seems kind of surreal to think that a quarter of a century has passed since we exchanged vows.  I look back at the 24-year-old woman who walked down the aisle with a bouquet in her hand and dreams in her heart, wishing I could tell her some things that will help her through this marriage journey.  These things may not have prevented some hard moments, but maybe they would have given her a little peace and perspective.

Dear Younger Sherry,

1. You will buy a lot of coffee pots until you learn the importance of descaling.  During our marriage, we have destroyed about thirteen coffee pots because we were ignorant about mineral build up in our favorite appliance, causing the heating element to work harder and eventually overheat.  Just like our coffee pots, it is important to regularly maintain our marriage through proper communication.  Too often, we have let minor disappointments and disagreements build up, causing us to react in anger and bitterness.  Instead, I need to be aware of my feelings, address the heart issues and talk about it in a way that is respectful to Terry’s heart.  I don’t always get it right, just like I might let two months go by before I remember to descale my coffee maker, but I am working towards this approach in communication.  By the way, we have managed to keep our current coffee pot alive for four years!
2. You will live in three different states, six houses, and make five different churches your place of worship.  The home you create with Terry is not dependent on where you live or where you worship.  It is also not dependent on the chrome table you had in the beginning of your marriage or the modern farm table you now own.  Addresses and styles change.  What does not change is the atmosphere you intentionally build in your home that your immediate and extended family and friends experience when crossing your threshold.  This atmosphere is built by working together, being open to God’s direction, and growing as individuals and as a couple.
3. Marriage will have some of the highest of highs and some of the lowest of lows.  You will have some mountain top experiences, where everything has a romantic filter as you waltz through meadows filled with flowers.  At the same time, your valleys may be full of rocks, cold, lonely, and difficult.  Do not define the success of your marriage based on those mountain top experiences or make permanent decisions in those desolate valleys.  Instead, your marriage success will be measured by the daily little decisions you make in ordinary living.
4. He loves meatloaf, you do not.  You love cilantro, he says it taste like soap.  You thrive in big cities; he feels claustrophobic after a few days.  Marriage is not about the differences, and it is not even about the compromises.  It is about creating wins for everyone.  Sometimes we have meatloaf, and I focus on the mashed potatoes and peas.  I add a lot of cilantro to my pico de gallo but leave it on the side in the guacamole.  Sometimes we travel to a big city and explore, other times we find a small town with quaint shops.  This way everyone is happy!
5. Despite your differences, you will come together on the important ideas, including our faith, raising children, home education, and your beliefs on community.  These moments will help define your marriage, strengthen your family, and add to your ministry.
6. Finally, Terry was never intended to fulfill all your hopes, dreams, and longings.  Although he is a Godly man, he will make mistakes and fail.  Conversely, you will fail a lot and certainly cannot meet all his needs.  Those deepest desires that were not met in childhood can only be fulfilled in the arms of Jesus.  Focus less on what you bring to the marriage or what Terry brings to the marriage.  Instead, spend more time getting to know Jesus, discovering what He wants to do in you, and bring that to the marriage!

I am sure we will eventually have to replace our coffee pot again, and I am sure we will continue to have some hard conversations.  We will likely have a few more addresses, but we will continue to have an open-door policy for our family and friends.  We continue to discover differences between each other but also new ways to connect.  And most importantly, I look forward to finding my fulfillment in the Lord, as I partner with Terry for the next twenty-five years or longer!

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

                A few years ago, I heard Ina Garten on a food show share a tip about chocolate.  She said that you can enhance the flavor of chocolate by adding a little instant espresso powder to your batter.  I am always looking for new ways to add coffee to my life, and this seemed the perfect marriage.   Her tip worked, and since then I have seen other recipes that include instant espresso or brewed coffee.  For all coffee haters, the cake or brownie does not end up tasting like a chocolate covered espresso bean, instead it brings out the richness and depth of the chocolate.

                Sometimes in your life, you meet a person who adds a richness and quality to your life just by their presence.  They are not loud or demanding, but instead are faithful, cheerful, and kind.  They walk into your life with a sweetness that makes you a better person.  My friend, Bertha, is that person in my life.

                Bertha came into my life a few years ago when she started attending the same church I attended.  Despite some health concerns and trials in her life, she always walks into a room with a smile on her face and a gentle word of encouragement towards other.  She also has an amazing ability to tell stories that are colorful and make you belly laugh.

                One of her most outstanding traits is her kindness towards others.  Bertha sacrificially gives, not out of her abundance, but out of her heart.  Recently, she shared a story with me that captures the essence of her character.  Bertha was at a thrift store when she found a Bible with an inscription in it written to a boy from his grandmother in 1932.  She thought the inscription might be related to someone in her family and brought it home.  When she discovered it had no connection, she held on to it and prayed about what she should do.  She decided to post the inscription on Facebook, hoping that someone would know the owner of the Bible.  Within a few days, a woman messaged Bertha and said that the Bible belonged to her late father.  He had received the Bible from his grandmother, and the daughter shared with Bertha that her dad was always kind.  After he had passed away, the Bible somehow got lost.  Bertha arranged to meet with the woman and told her she hoped that the Bible would bless her life with the words of Jesus.  Bertha later got a message from another family member who was also related to the owner.  He had lost touch with his family, and Bertha arranged a reunion!

                This is not the first Bible Bertha has returned to an owner.  She shared another story with different details but ending on the same note.  A Bible found its way back to a family member, with a new possibility of the words of God inspiring and changing more lives.  Bertha bubbled over with excitement as she shared her stories.  She then added, she is making it one of her life’s goal to look at Bibles in thrift stores, and if it has an inscription in it, she is going to attempt to return it to its owner.  This is not because she is looking for a feel-good Hallmark ending, but because she really believes the Bible has the power to transform lives!

                These stories blessed my life.  They reminded me that simple acts of kindness can impact our world!  Yes, some of us may start major nonprofits that feed the hungry or help the homeless.  But God does not ask all of us to do grandiose things.  Micah records in 6:8, “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God?  Bertha’s simple acts of kindness add richness to my life, encouraging me to look for opportunities to bless others.

“So we do not lose heart …. as we look not to things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16a, 18

                Late winter, I read the delightful book, “The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating” by Elisabeth Tova Bailey.  It chronicled the year of a woman who was incapacitated by a neurological disease that left her bedridden.  She writes, “There is a certain depth of illness that is piercing in it’s isolation, the only rule of existence is uncertainty, and the only movement is the passage of time.”  One of her caretakers decided to bring a little of the outside world into her room by placing a wild snail in a pot of violets on her nightstand.  As she recovered, Elisabeth observed the life of this ordinary snail.  Her writing extolled the virtues of this simple creature, including the amazing properties of its slime.  That is right, I used the word amazing and slime in the same sentence!  By the end of the book, I was half tempted to get a terrarium and create a habitat for a wild snail to live in for a year.  This often happens to me when I read books that delight me (because of reading the book, “Running with Sherman”, I have seriously considered running with goats).

                It is summer now, and I have planted a huge pot of assorted basil, dreaming of Caprese salad, pesto and margherita pizza.  To successfully grow basil, one must trim the basil plant at certain spots on the stalk to help the plant bush out.  A few weeks ago, I had my first harvest, pruning my plant carefully, anticipating even more abundant future harvests.  The following week, I noticed that my basil plant had a few leaves with holes.  I didn’t think too much of it, still having pesto dreams swirling through my head.  A few days later, I saw that my beautiful bouquet of basil was full of holes from some creature trying to destroy my harvest dreams.  After a little internet research and trails of not-so-amazing slime, I discovered that a slug, a cousin to the snail, had been gorging on my basil at night while I was sleeping.  No longer enamored with any gastropods, I quickly found a way to protect my basil and remove slime trails.

                I find this dichotomy of perspective in all areas of my life; from the enchantment I have watching the birds at my bird feeder to the clamor of noises I make to get the birds off my blackberry bushes.  I even find that with people I love, we can have different perspective on the exact same situation.  A few months ago, I was peering out over my daughter-in-law’s backyard and saw a roly-poly groundhog ambling through her yard.  I immediately grabbed Joel to not only show him the groundhog but to help him give the groundhog a deserving name like George.  Rachel immediately piped up saying, “Joel, tell Mimi we don’t name the woodchucks; they destroy our gardens.”  Even her different name, woodchuck, for this seemingly innocent furry animal seemed harsher than my groundhog that remained nameless.

                Perspective is defined as a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something.  Often, this is based on our personal history, faith, and culture.  It also shapes our responses to situations, sometimes causing us to react in fear, anger, or joy.  But no matter what our perspective is, God sees all and has a different perspective, and according to his Word it will work out for our good.  It is so easy to read scriptures and believe these principles in the abstract, but so much harder to apply them when life is hard!

                Terry’s unfortunate accident has caused some ripple effects in our life.  We’ve had to cancel some plans due to loss of vacation and finances, including our 25^th anniversary trip.  I will be honest; this has been a little hard to swallow.  It was something that I had spent a lot of time planning and researching.  I am profoundly grateful for the blessings God has given us during this time, including us being able to meet all our financial obligations despite loss of income.  Yet, when I think of our upcoming anniversary, I do not see the amazing properties of slime I discovered in reading.  Instead, I see the trail of slime near my basil plant ruining my future pesto.

                I had to throw out some basil before my slug problem was completely solved.  This is a real loss, just like my anniversary plans.  There is nothing I can do to rectify this situation, except plan for next year.  But I don’t have to live with the slug invasion, and I don’t have to live in a place of loss.  I have spent the last three weeks taking daily walks with my husband, talking, and dreaming about our future.  I will have six more weeks of these daily walks.  I am choosing to look at this time as a blessing, trying to see things from God’s perspective.  It’s not always easy, but what we may see as a woodchuck, He might see as a groundhog that needs a name!

“And for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it. He indeed bears fruit and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.” Matthew 13:23 ESV

                I have a small flower bed, aka a patch of dirt, in front of my house that has been a challenge the entire nine years I have lived here.  When I first moved in, I envisioned planting lots of bright flowers to greet me when I came home.  But, year after year, I was assaulted with withered and diseased flowers, or lavender that made a mullet look good.  After researching dirt this year, I have finally succeeded in creating a beautiful space.  Although the flowers are not heirloom roses or fancy dahlias, the different shades of zinnias and petunias are brightening the entrance to my home and adding beauty to my days!

                Through this process, I have learned that not all dirt is equal.  When we first moved in, the ground in front of our house was worn out, and full of clay and rocks.  Being completely naïve about dirt, I just started planting.  Between the poor quality of the dirt and the full afternoon southern exposure, my first flowers quickly withered away.  I then decided to try my hand at lavender.  It was beautiful the first year, but I had no idea that it might need some pruning, and within a year or two, the lavender came in spotty, with dead wooden stalks spiking out haphazardly.  Finally, after six years of failure, I started to do a little research.  I found that this small space desperately needed some soil amending, so I started adding a little bit of fresh topsoil along with compost.  I also covered the soil with mulch to protect the dirt.  This work, although tedious and costing a little bit of time, energy, and money, has finally paid off!

                Recently one of my pastors, Mike Kemper, preached a message on being good dirt.  Applying the Parable of the Sower, Pastor Mike encouraged us to cultivate good dirt in our lives for God’s word to take root and transform us (click here to view the entire sermon).  I have been meditating on this message for a while.  Am I cultivating myself to not only hear the word of God but to let it transform me as well?  Do I take the time to posture myself with true humility, loosening the hardened clay of my soul, so that I can listen to what God is trying to say to me?  Do I take the time to remove the stones of bitterness, resentment, and even righteous indignation, so that God’s word can saturate me?  Yesterday, as I was writing this blog, I found out that someone I know was making some false assumptions about me and my motives.  It reopened a wound that I have been asking God to heal completely.  Unfortunately, I cannot change that person’s perspective, but I can change how it affects me.  If I choose to let this unfair judgment sit in my mind where it will fester and grow, it will eventually harden into a stone of bitterness.  This stone will take up space in my life where God could be fruitful and bless my life.  Therefore, I am choosing to handle this with grace, and again, ask God to help me forgive those who wrong me.

                Just as I added compost to my dirt, I also need to amend my own life with the beauty and richness of books, music, podcasts, and art that glorify God.  It is easy to fill your life with entertainment that numbs your soul and causes you to slowly decay.  Six years ago, I realized I was spending a lot of time entertaining myself by binge watching different television programs.  I decided to fast TV and movies for a year.  That year, I found the fast was making more space in my life to read the Bible and to hear directly from God.  In that same spirit, I have chosen to cultivate my social media feeds with people that add to the beauty of the world by glorifying God, either directly or indirectly, through their art, music, and/or words.  This helps me meditate on the goodness of the Lord instead of the problems in the world.  This is not to say that I do not pay attention to news, but I don’t let the negativity dictate my social media feed!

                Finally, I need to protect my soil by surrounding myself with a community of believers who can speak truth into my life.  Just like the mulch that added a layer of protection to my dirt, I need others in my life who will cover me with their prayers and edify my spirit.  Also, if I am unaware of a thorn growing in my life, such as a bad attitude, habit, or agreement I have made, they can bring my attention to that thorn in a spirit of love, so I can remove it before it chokes out my fruit.  But this covering of mulch will only work if I have cultivated good soil underneath.  This means, I must be in a position of humility to receive the warning or correction being given.

                Recently, I was corrected by an employee at one of my favorite greenhouses when I commented that their dirt was my favorite dirt to buy.  I was told that he prefers to call his products “good soil”.  No matter what I call it, it is up to me to cultivate it to make it good!

“Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.” ! Peter 4:9

I am a decent cook with a few meals that I make well and other dishes that I could improve on.  I watch cooking shows, read cookbooks, and have more recipes saved on Pinterest then I will ever make.  I use a wide variety of spices and herbs from bright basil to fruity sumac to spicy fennel seeds.  My main problem in cooking is that I don’t trust my instincts.  I tend to follow a recipe to the letter and have a hard time adding my own personal twist.  Honestly, I am ok with that because, although I love to cook, cooking is often a means to end for me.  What I really enjoy about the cooking process is putting food on the table and creating a comfortable place for people to connect.

Hospitality is a buzz word today.  If you shop at Target, Hobby Lobby or TJ Maxx, you can find all sorts of merchandise to help you with your entertaining needs including charcuterie boards, olive wood salad bowls, ceramic serving platters and glass lemonade pitchers.  Pinterest has all kinds of ideas for having your friends over, from a nacho bar to a burger buffet to a brunch.  Although I have tried some of these ideas, these social media constructs can put a lot of pressure on a person to perform beyond their level of comfort level. I’ve been pondering the concept of hospitality, both how to cultivate it in our lives and some of the pitfalls that keep us from inviting someone over for a simple meal.  I hope these thoughts help take the pressure off of entertaining guests.

 First, hospitality is a Biblical concept that Jesus himself practiced.  He could have easily sent the crowd away after performing countless miracles.  Instead, he miraculously provided a simple meal for the crowd consisting of fish and bread.  We don’t know what transpired during that meal, but I can imagine Jesus walking around the crowd, connecting with individuals, making sure they were satisfied and trying to get to know them better.  In addition, Paul admonishes both widows and deacons to practice hospitality.  Peter gives a general instruction to Christians in 1 Peter 4:9 saying, “Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.”  The Greek word translated here as hospitality is philoxenos, defined as being generous to guests.

Second, we need to find a way to be hospitable that aligns with our personality and gifting.  As an extrovert, having a large group of people over and making individuals feel connected comes easy for me.  You might prefer small groups, so then just invite one family over.  I am also a casual person, who always googles how to set a table properly when holidays come around.  On the flip-side, I do love putting my food in beautiful serving dishes.  Whether you prefer formal China or paper plates, do what is comfortable for you.  If you are uncomfortable with what you are doing your guests will know it and, in turn, they will feel uncomfortable.  We once attended an open house with a scheduled time slot, and the hostess ushered us through the house at a break-neck pace because she had a schedule of guests to adhere to.  Both my husband and I appreciated the invite, but we left feeling as frantic as the hostess.

 Third, the menu can be as simple or elaborate as your season of life and skill set can handle.  When my children were young, beef roast was often the meal I made when serving friends.  It sat in the crockpot all day getting tender while I attended to toddlers.  Now that my children are adults, I can prepare more elaborate meals, but, sometimes, I still keep it simple, like burgers.  I also have one go-to meal that is often a crowd pleaser, my chicken fajitas.  I have a good handle on how much to make no matter what the size of the crowd.  If cooking is not your thing, feel free to order take out.  Pizza is always a winner.  If you have a limited budget, soups are also good.

                Finally, it’s okay to be a “Martha” when prepping for the meal, but once your guests arrive, be a “Mary”.  We all know the story in the Bible when Martha pleads with Jesus to chastise her sister, Mary, for not helping in serving their guests.  To Martha’s surprise, Jesus admonishes her instead and says that Mary “has chosen the good portion.”  Although Jesus is referring to the fact that Mary was prioritizing spiritual matters over housekeeping, I think it can also apply to being a hostess.  Sharing a meal with other people requires us to be present.  Yes, put your leftovers away in a timely manner so no one gets food poisoning the next day.  Yes, you might want to quickly clear the table so conversation can continue without dirty plates in front of you.  But leave the dishes in the sink and use the time you have to visit with your guests.

I just finished Shauna Niequest’s book “Bread & Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table”.  It’s a delightful book with essays on hospitality and includes some amazing recipes to try.  In a world where we have felt disconnected in the past year due to the pandemic, racial tensions, and political upheaval, I think its time to invite others back into our homes.  Shauna says it best: “This is how the world changes-little by little, table by table, meal by meal, hour by hour.  This is how we chip away at isolation, loneliness, fear.  This is how we connect, in big and small ways, -we do it around the table.”

“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!” 1 Chronicles 16:11

I love my patio in spring and summer.  It is the perfect place for my morning coffee, surrounded by all my potted flowers and herbs.  I often spend early mornings there reading scripture, studying God’s Word, and writing down my thoughts in my gratitude journal.  It is one of my happy places, enjoying the serenity of God’s creation.

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The past few weeks have been a little crazy in the Collins’ household.  My husband fell down our stairs, three weeks ago, landing on his wrist.  He heard his bones crack, and X-rays revealed both his radius and ulna had been broken in several places, along with an acute case of carpal tunnel syndrome that had been previously undiagnosed.  The severity of the break resulted in emergency surgery.  His wrist is now full of hardware, one plate and seven pins, to assist in his piano playing and accounting profession.  However, these functions will only resume after weeks of healing coupled with occupational therapy appointments.

For the first time in three weeks, as I sat on my patio this morning, I stopped and took a deep breath.  I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of the different birds singing, the buzzing of a bee pollinating my flowers, and the breeze rustling the leaves in my trees.  As the sun was rising, I lifted my face and let its light flood me with warmth and a sense of coziness.  I realized that, in the last few weeks, I have been just checking my boxes: devotions – check, prayer – check, meal planning – check, caring for Terry – check.  I was going through the motions, getting everything done, but, honestly, I was emotionally checked out.  I was in survivor mode, trying to anticipate my husband’s needs and still manage the household responsibilities.  The only thing saving my soul was the time I have spent taking solitary walks or hiking with a new friend.

Yet, this Is not the place where I should live.  I do not want to be just in survival mode.  I want to lean into God in the nitty gritty moments of difficulty instead of just going through the motions.  I do not want to be just checking my boxes, I want to be fully engaged and fully present, even in moments of stress.  I want to be in relationship with Jesus daily, true authentic relationship full of honesty, and admitting my need for Him.

This can only come through true worship.  I am not talking about the worship that we offer up Sunday mornings as we sing the words projected on the wall of our churches.  I am not talking about knowing just when to raise our hands and when to clap.  Yes, those can be moments of true worship, but all too often, we are just checking boxes even then.  All too often, we are just going through the motions, exchanging honest worship for shallow emotions.

 I do not want a religion based on emotional highs and feel-good moments.  I want a relationship with Jesus, discovering His true character and exchanging my faulty thinking and agreements for the truth of His word; my doubts and cares for His truth.  I want to be honest with Him when I am feeling discouraged, lonely, or stressed.  I do not want to just be a “good Christian”, instead I want to be a follower of Christ who acknowledges her desperate need for God!

This true worship is choosing to adore God in the places where I doubt His goodness, and even when I do not understand.  It is being vulnerable during crisis and choosing to find real living in God.  Sara Hagerty says, in her book Adore, “Adoration invites me into His presence.  His Word, spoken from my mouth, and a reaching for Him (however weak) within my heart, open me up to receive His presence.”

Yes, the last few weeks have been stressful.  And even though Terry is improving, there is still a lot of uncertainty.  When will he go back to work?  How will the numbers add up in our limited budget?  What are we supposed to be learning during this time?  I do not have all the answers, and I may never have all the answers.  But if I truly allow myself to adore God during this time of uncertainty, spending time with Him instead of just checking boxes, I know that His grace is sufficient to carry me through this uncertain time.

“He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.” Psalm 18:19

About a year and half ago, I made the decision to start writing my blog.  I wanted to write about my stage of life, share how I was handling my transitions and reveal some of the insights I was gaining from the Lord.  I had no idea if anyone would read it, whether my writing was good enough, or even how long I would write.  I just felt God prompting me to be vulnerable, to share in real time some things I was going through and maybe be a voice of encouragement to others.

Vulnerability is hard.  It is easier to come from a place of expertise or to draw conclusions when you are on the other side of situations.  It is harder to be in the middle of messiness and share in real time some of the transitions you are going through.  I can speak from experience how to raise toddlers, looking back on things I did well and the things I wish I could do over.  It is harder to share some mistakes I made raising my teenagers and helping them to transition into adulthood because those mistakes are fresh.  It is easy to talk to young married couples and share with them how you adapted to married life.  It is harder to share that in the middle of your marriage you hit some rough patches and what you are learning.  It is easy to share pictures of the end of the journey of the weight loss, but harder to share that you are still struggling with losing the last 15-20 pounds.

Brene’ Brown, one of the leading researchers on vulnerability, says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”  This perspective on vulnerability is life giving.  It gives you the freedom to make changes, to attempt new things and to possibly fail.  In the spirit of vulnerability, I am sharing a few updates in my life and for Graceful Transitions.

For starters, I really had hoped to have my book, God’s restoration of my life from childhood abuse, completed this fall.  A few weeks ago, I felt the pressure of this self-imposed deadline looming over my shoulder.  Writing about my childhood trauma has made me aware of some unresolved issues that I still need to process.  That does not mean that I cannot sill write a book, because I believe restoration has happened on a large scale.  But to write the book well, honoring God and my story, I am going to give myself more time.

Next, I want to acknowledge that May was Mental Health Awareness month by being transparent about my life.  Currently, I am looking to do some more therapy to help me process some of these unresolved issues.  Solid Christian therapy should not be stigmatized within the church community.  Instead, it is an acknowledgement that sometimes you need an outside source to help you navigate difficult situations.  I pray that my honesty helps others to be reach out for help, whether it’s within your church community, or outside through formal therapy.

The next issue I want to be transparent about is that with some recent stresses in my life, I found myself going to back to some old habits related to food.  I seem to be looking for comfort in food again, occasionally overindulging.  Although I’ve gotten back on track, I need to examine this in my life and reaffirm that my satisfaction needs to be found in God.  To help resolve this, I am going to reread Full: Food, Jesus and the Battle for Satisfaction by Asheritah Cuicui.  I had thought about doing an online book club this summer through my blog and this book seems to be the perfect place to start.

Friends, this leads to a few opportunities for you.  First, for the next two weeks, if you subscribe to my blog through the link below, one lucky subscriber is going to win a free copy of Asheritah CuiCui’s book mailed directly to your home.  That’s right, you will win a free book!  I promise not to use your email address for anything else but to send my blog post directly to your email and occasionally some updates.  I encourage you to stop reading right now and click on this link.

Ok, if you are done subscribing, read on!  Summer seems to be one of the most natural times to start new healthy habits, so, on June 28, I am going to share with you real time some of my insights as I reread Full: Food, Jesus and the Battle for Satisfaction.  I will be creating a Facebook group in which readers can discuss passages, ask questions, and share some insights on what they have learned.  This Is not a diet plan, but instead it is on opportunity to understand your relationship with food.  There will be no shame or condemnation, just a safe place to share, encourage, and process the book.  Look for more information in the next few days on my Facebook page and Instagram.  I cannot wait for you to join me!

 I want to thank you all for reading and sharing my blog.  I have had a lot of you reach out to me and share how this blog has impacted you.  I am truly humbled that my words have made an impact and consider my writing a ministry that God is using to bring Him glory.  Thank you so much!!!

“But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you.” 1 Thessalonians 4:10b-11

I will be turning forty-nine next week.  At this age, birthdays often induce some refection, especially since I am so close to the big 5-0.  Some women view turning fifty as the beginning of the end when wrinkles, cellulite and grey hair take over.  Other women see it as a pivotal turning point where they make a bucket list and prioritize accomplishments to achieve before the end of their life.  I have one more year to think about what I want fifty to look like.  But this year, at almost forty-nine, I feel contemplative.  If I look back on my life, it is nothing like I imagined it would be, but everything I hoped it would be.  And if I had to describe my life in a few words, I would say “beautifully ordinary”.  This may seem like a contradictory statement, and maybe a little bit of a letdown, but take a little journey with me through an ordinary life lived out beautifully by the grace of God.

As a child, I thought I was headed toward a career making a big impact on the world.  At one point, I wanted to be an investigative reporter exploring the streets of Calcutta.  I also thought about being a lobbyist climbing Capitol Hill, trying to influence Congress for social justice causes.  Later, I hoped I would be a therapist helping other people overcome childhood trauma.  Regardless, all my dreams involved travel, adventure, and influence!

My reality, however, has looked quite different.  Instead of a career, I chose to stay home with my children and home-educate them.  Yes, we did travel, but never anywhere requiring a passport.  Any international travel was done from our living room through the pages of books, or in my kitchen where I tried to introduce my children to international cuisine.  Adventure was not found in a war-torn village, instead it was found camping in a tent, banging logs together to scare away the raccoons, or exploring nature in our backyard.  And, although I never became a licensed therapist, the people I influenced the greatest were those who lived in the four walls of my home.  This did not happen by me extolling the virtues of a Christian world point of view, although both my children would say I did my share of that.  I impacted lives around me by doing the ordinary things in my life through the inspiration of God and to the best of my ability!

My friend, Lynette, an incredible micro blogger with “Joy Intended”, wrote, this week, about “the momma of that little boy with three loaves and two small fishes.  Yes, the unnamed lady.  She was somebody great.  Because she was back home, in the kitchen, way behind the scenes.  Doing the mundane thing of baking bread for the 192,384 time.”  Little did this mother know that her very bread would be used in a miracle to feed thousands.  It is in the mundane, ordinary tasks we do every day that impact others.  It is finding the one gift or talent God has given us and developing that talent to bless the kingdom of God.  It is choosing to reflect God’s beauty in your corner of the world, no matter how big or small the impact may be.

I have spent a lot of time writing out menu plans and grocery lists, not only to feed my family, but also to make sure our pantry is always company ready.  I have learned to preserve several different flavors of jam, some of which delight a certain eight-year-old on her toast, every morning.  I try to keep my home sunny and comfortable, so that both my family and friends can be in a place that is inviting and conducive to good conversation.  I keep a stack of cards on hand to jot short notes of encouragement to others.

Susan Branch, in her book, “A Fine Romance: Falling in Love with the English Countryside”, reflects on her travels.  She says, “What we do matters.  It’s the everyday little things that mean the most & make all the difference.”  She later goes on to say, “Perhaps just going about our business, thinking small, thinking Home, thinking, “What do I have to give?” is the true secret for a happy life.”

As I turn forty-nine, I am not looking to start a non-profit that will have a global impact, although I might.  I am not looking to travel to Africa to help children in an orphanage, although I am open to that.  I am not looking to be a licensed therapist, although if God lays it on my heart, I will go back to school.  Today, I am writing this post and praying that it speaks to at least one person.  Today, I am going to write a few cards out to some important people in my life to let them know I care.  Today, I am going to finish my load of laundry and put it away, so that we have fresh linens to use.  Today, is just an ordinary day in a beautiful life!

“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalms 34:5

Many years ago, my then eight-year-old daughter and I went shopping for her traditional Easter dress.  She combed through the racks, selecting a white dress trimmed in a wide spring-green ribbon with a matching green shrug.  She rushed to the dressing room, came out a few minutes later, and proceeded to twirl jubilantly!  She exclaimed, “I knew this was the dress, because it would twirl the best!”  I smiled at my daughter’s whimsy and bought her the dress.

This past Easter, a group of young girls were standing in the foyer of our church, giggling and chatting.  Dressed in their finest Easter dresses with lots of tulle and ruffles complementing the shades of blue, pink, and cream, I smiled.  Reminded of my daughter’s standard of the perfect Easter dress, I asked them if their dresses twirled.  Taking turns, each girl spun in her dress, finishing with a curtsy at the end.  The sea of glitter and twirling tulle, along with the smiles on their faces, radiated pure joy, pleasure in beauty, and complete confidence in their princess-like status!  Then they asked me to twirl.  For the first time ever in my life, I twirled around in my Easter dress.  Although I smiled as I spun, I felt a moment of deep sadness come over me.  I shrugged the feeling off and went on my way.

It has been a few weeks since Easter, and I have thought about that moment often.  What was the root of that sadness I felt as I twirled in my Easter dress?  I spent some time praying about it, and, through a series of conversations with different people, I have finally been able to put words to the feeling that came over me.  I have never twirled because I have never felt like a princess!

I am aware that I am being vulnerable, and I am still trying to process this in real time, but I never intended this blog to be a place where I come off completely polished and put together.  It’s about transitions, and, sometimes, transitions can be messy.  I believe my feelings will resonate with other women.  And for my male readers, unfortunately, I am sure that you have women in your life who have probably felt the same way.

Looking back on my life, I have always had a slight aversion to princesses.  This has manifested itself in various ways, including purposely steering my daughter away from the whole Disney princess culture.  Even in the Bible, I was drawn more to the Ruth and Rahab characters than to Esther.  This aversion has a lot to do with my wounding as a child.  My sexual abuse at the hands of my father made me feel dirty and ashamed.  In addition to not feeling like a princess, my obesity did not fit the traditional appearance of a princess.  I struggled to find clothing that made me feel feminine.  I wouldn’t even have considered layers of tulle because that would have added volume in places that I didn’t want to emphasize.  I was also unable to tame my wavy hair, which further added to my feelings of awkwardness.

I remember reading aloud “The Tale of Despereaux” to my children and identifying with Migory Sow, a character in the book whose name matched her unfortunate appearance and her even more unfortunate life.  Her ears were disfigured to the point of resembling cauliflower because of the beatings she had endured.  She escaped by being a servant in the castle, but even there she is described as “rounder and rounder, and bigger and bigger.  Only her head stayed small.”  One time, when she expressed her desire to be a princess, her abusive “uncle”, who had bought her from her father, responded, “Har.  An ugly, dumb thing like you.”

I covered up my Migory-like feelings by being outgoing and the life of the party.  I worked hard at being a good and supportive friend.  Even though I could not wear the princess dresses I desired, I helped my friends by becoming their personal shopping assistant.  I suppressed all my desires for physical beauty and, instead, focused on developing my character and my talents.  I admit that I lived a little vicariously through my daughter, encouraging her to play dress up and buying her dresses that twirled.  But, deep inside, there was a desire to twirl, to have a moment where I was blissfully joyful!

As I have lost weight, I have begun to wear dresses with more feminine patterns and shirts with flowing sleeves.  I even have a few dresses that meet Maggie’s twirling standard.  However, despite the lower numbers on the scale and the more feminine clothing, I still felt like Migory Sow inside with the princess crown on her head.  My own voice echoed the rat, Roscuro’s, response, “Ridiculous. Laughable. I mean you will never look like a princess no matter how big a crown you put on your tiny head!”  All my efforts to eat right, wear more feminine clothes, and even attempt to twirl, could not erase the hopeless feeling I have had engrained in me since childhood.  Even other people’s compliments, including my husband’s, did not make me feel like twirling.

At the end of “The Tale of Despereaux”, although Migory Sow never becomes a princess in the literal sense, her real father atones for his mistreatment of his daughter and “treats her like one for the rest of his days.”  I cannot look to my stepfather for healing, but I can look to my heavenly Father.  His unconditional love written on the pages of the Bible helps me to see who He truly is and how He really sees me.  Through His reflection, the negative messages from my childhood begin to diminish and I hear His voice more clearly.  David declares in Psalm 34:5, “Those who look to him are radiant with joy; their faces will never be ashamed.”

One summer, I kept wiping out on my bike in our gravel driveway.  Just as my knee would start to heal and a scab would begin to form, I found myself falling off my bike again, repeatedly picking stones out of the same wound.  Eventually, it did heal, but the resulting scar is a reminder of that summer of scraped knees. I am still unpacking this as I write, as I haven’t erased all the “Migory Sow” messages in my mind.  Right now, it is an open wound.  But as I learn to rewrite those messages with the voice of Jesus speaking into my life, eventually a scab will form, moving me closer to complete healing.  I might be left with a scar, but it will be a reminder to me of the goodness and love of Jesus.  Until then, I will keep twirling!